I got to the clinic in no time. I went in and started filling out the paper work. As woman after woman emerged through the door from “the other side” with teary eyes and looks of remorse, it hit me. I was pregnant. There was a little human life inside of me. As pure and perfect as life itself. Don’t let it faze you Ky, you’re doing the right thing. What was I doing here? Reclaiming your life girl, remember? Suddenly I was winded as if I had been running, and I realized that I had been. I was running from myself, from my responsibilities; from the life that I had made for myself with a beautiful man that loved me. But you love to run girl, it’s what you do. All my life I wanted to be on the cusp of possibility and here I was, on the cusp of life and I was running from the endlessness of the horizon rather than into it. Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re doing what you’ve got to do to maintain your goals. But I had succeeded in all of my dreams. I was about to graduate from school, I had found the truest love that I would ever know and my life, since leaving home, had been perfect. Just then, a nurse called my name, and the conversation in my head was on hold. As I walked back into a small exam room, my heart began to race. The confusion was nothing new, it was the same sensation that I had when Dobbs put the ring on the table. But I wasn’t really sure if it was confusion or terror. As asked, I went and peed in the cup and they confirmed my pregnancy. As I lay back on the table, looking up at a picture of Sri Lanka on the ceiling, a doctor entered the room with a sonogram machine. As the cold gel was squished around on my belly, my womb appeared on the screen with a little blob off to the left off my navel. The doctor motioned to the screen and said, “here it is.” I closed my eyes, pretending that I hadn’t seen it. “I’d say, by the size of it, you’re about 8-9 weeks. According to your last menses, I would say closer to 9. So, Ms. Wilkins the choice is yours, you're a candidate for the suction procedure. I’ll give you a few minutes to decide.” And in an instant, she was gone. As I lay, eyes still closed, I felt numb, cold, uneasy, on the verge of tears. There was no way that I could go through with this. I had to stop running from myself, it was a race that I would never win. Suddenly I felt nauseous, I had to get out of there… I had to get up… I had to get up… I had to...
“Baby get up. Baby! Baby get up.” I opened my eyes to see Dobbs before me.
“Are you alright Baby, you were talking in your sleep. You alright?”
“Yeah, I was having a bad dream, but I’m ok now. Go back to sleep, Baby.” I snuggled in closer to D. I spent the remainder of the night in Dobbs’ arms, and in the morning I awoke with a diamond on the third finger of my left hand. Even now, I must admit that it was beautiful. It sparkled like sunshine after a storm and the brilliant marquis cut looked at home on my thin finger.
No comments:
Post a Comment